In the basement of the Fermi National Accelerator laboratory, scientists have set up a large maze, home to a continuous experiment. At one end, typically at the start of a given day, they release a rat. At the other is a blue button, and when the rat reaches and pushes the button a cube of delicious cheese drops onto a small red plate positioned in front of the button. The maze spans the entire 3.9 mi. facility, from the Tevatron to the Main Injector, and under ideal circumstances it takes the rat a full day to complete.
When the button is depressed, an action impetus is also broadcast via satellite into the brains of the editors in chief and station directors who lead our nation's noble information infrastructure. An internal chemical reaction forces them to tire of whatever subject they were covering nonstop and to seize instantly on whatever next topic comes to mind.
Sometimes the test rat gets lost or dies, corresponding to news events we will later consider to have been major, such as a hurricane or the marital strife of vague celebrities. The next day, scientists send in an additional rat. On rare occasions (9-11, etc.) the second rat also gets lost or dies, and a third must be released into the maze. If for some reason a fourth fails to reach the goal, a technician presses the button, the maze is checked for obstructions and cleansed of missing rats, and a new rat is released the following day.
Rats completing the maze successfully are repatriated to New York City.
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