first trimester (0 - 14 weeks): Baby may occasionally react to specific meals with belches or hiccups; on occasion a tiny "fuck yeah!" rings forth. small hairs produce wolfman-like appearance. is small enough to leave your body on stealth excursions, e.g. for barbecue wings or midnight movies. does not yet see ghosts nor communicate with them. baby should not operate heavy machinery or use the internet unsupervised during this period.
second trimester (15 - 26 weeks): You are going to be hungry as shit now. Example: you may eat a dog or other mammal whole. baby's hiccups, more active now, are capable of triggering world disasters, e.g. floods, wars, famine. now has capacity to yell "motherfucker!" at room volume in quiet or awkward situations. may briefly become a fan of the Dallas Cowboys; typically recedes as a normal part of your child's mental development. first traces of cynicism (sample conversation: You: Baby, how do you feel about the recent national election? Baby:____ You: I mean, will Obama run the country like he ran his campaign? Baby: (may kick) You: But seriously, come on, level with me here. Baby: As long as you view Obama in a ruling class context, you won't be disappointed.) Later, baby may express profound hope about the glacial thawing of our racist national heart, tempered by reminders of imminent bombing, etc.
third trimester (27 - 40 weeks): Baby now capable of revealing your innermost thoughts in stealth calls to your parents, friends, or the national media. typical in-flight wing span now exceeds three feet. baby is typically born during this period, a simple and foolproof process after which follows tidal waves, tsunamis, the complete redrawing of the national map with texas occupying the area formerly known as canada and ohio greedily occupying the rest, the reversal and/or multiplication of gravity to several times its intensity, dizziness, hallucinations, vomiting, waves of confusion and happiness and telegraphic love, a scrambling of the periodic table whereby unstable elements occupy the first 12 elements and form the others when fed after midnight. during this time tic-tac-toe may become an immanently winnable game for you or your partner. relatives reappear. marital conversations reduced to grunts, sighs, and storming out of the room (helps to prevent an immediate second child which christ knows you could not handle at this point).
Baby may exhibit alien vampire tendencies and attempt to drain mother of all bodily fluid. also may develop acne but should not at this point be left unattended overnight.
