life & death

I'm wired to take some things a little too seriously. As a matter of life & death. With professional and church basement-type help I'm come to understand it more... that part of why I'm oriented that way is early environment stuff. 

I don't think there was ever a real chance there would've been life or death violence in my house growing up. But I didn't know it then, and I've found myself quick to see that binary concern in more situations than I should. 

I also carry an overly grand sense of responsibility. As a kid I felt responsible for things I coudln't control. I hold the same sense today in situations where I shouldn't. I can't keep the ice caps from melting (though I can pay attention, argue, donate, use less resources, etc.). I can't prevent the weather from getting more strange and severe, But I can keep a better stocked basement.

That understanding of the things I'm not responsible for could also be a crutch that makes me ignore the things I am responsible for. If I take that equation too far in the other direction. Staying as healthy as I can for my wife and my kids. Making sure I protect them, in a way a partner and a parent is supposed to. In the way someone who owns plants and pets is supposed to. 

I'm afraid of death, which isn't helpful. Because it'll matter and then it won't. It probably won't be a fiery crash. It'll probably be more mundane. 

I'm also drawn to deatth. Not consciously, but in some of my choices over time. I think in my less checked moments I've been drawn to it as the ultimate grand escape. In the down slope of depression and isolation, which sometimes I check and ground myself against better than others. 

I had an experience recently (and too recently to write about it with clarity) where I was present as someone navigated something closer to almost dying, out of nowhere. Or so it seemed in the moment. At that exact point I knew what I could and couldn't help. The main thing I could do was comfort the person as professionals got to the scene. 

I'll put the obvious out there for reader comfort: seeking out death on purpose would be the opposite of comfort for the people I love. To make myself less comfortable, seeking out death subconsciously starts to tilt the scales that way too. So, yes, self care. And focus -- to find the ways I kind contribute. To honor and pursue the ways I should, and let that ripple out. More granular a scale. Do the next right thing.

 

 

grateful new BASIC post

10 REM Remind me to be grateful, no matter what I say. Remind me love is all around, like the Troggs say. Remind me I can breathe, smoke or air or both. Remind me to get out in the air, to get my head out of the clouds. Remind me music, books, jokes. Remind me computers, pre Internet and mid.

20 REM Storm clouds, caught in own head, confusion is sex drugs rock and roll etc

30 GOTO 10

 

How water

How water is all water, how air is all air. How we are all us. How I'm all I am.

Be like water: flow down to the river. Where you pray because prayer matters. The uneasy union (prayer, matter). Not dualism because our -it- is everything. 

Are the ones we've lost still accessible because all time is accessible in some substrate/subterranean way? Under its skin, maybe?

Or are the ones we've lost still here because anything that's lived rates that? There isn't abiogenesis because we are what we are and (in some hedged way?) always have been. So, they're unlost?

How water is all water, how you are of me, and what I assume you shall assume because that makes an ass of you and me. 

(A philosophical ass man. Cosmogony of the universe as an ass. A donkey, for the save. How donkeys are all donkey, all the time.)

We'll be like water. How it changes and returns. Because this moment (with you at x age and me at y) stacks frozen in itself, until it's different moments with different concerns. And the same ones.

Good time to be in Phoenix for metaphor purposes. But I'm only in Scottsdale.

porn aliens

When I was a kid I found I could leave this world for another one, just by thinking about it. But it took me too long to get back. I was worried if I went there again I might get stuck. 

When I was a teenager I started to make deeper incursions. By my 20s I learned that you can usually keep a steady job with only a minimal investment in the straight world. You show yourself present for that bare minimum, conspicuously doing your level best in limited instances. Then, those times when you're obviously phoning it in or sending it straight to voicemail, people tend to focus on the good things you'd done for them before. 

I’ve never been super into porn. It's a hard thing to wholeheartedly endorse. But one thing I do like is when it’s a human with an alien. You have to be sure that the actor really is an alien though, not a human pretending to be one, or it deadens the effect. Better still if the alien is non-humanoid in form, or even non-carbon based. The creativity you see... life finding a way... is really something. 

miracles

So we all get it. The boys are mostly fine after a couple days but for Tom and me it's longer. We fight through the whole thing, each of us half dead still mad at the other for not helping enough.

We get better. The morning we know for sure it’s a Wednesday, I think. I know something's different because he's looking me and the boys in the eye and smiling, showing up like he's glad to be alive. Like when we first met, like when Luke and Jason were first born.

Old Tom was basically a ghost, a divorce in the making. If old Tom showed up at meals and muttered something akin to hello as we passed in a room or when he wanted to fuck, you took it, like, Tom being Tom. New Tom pays attention.

Old Tom had a temper around the edges; the new version of my husband stays unflappably well adjusted. Old Tom lived and died by Philadelphia sports, listened to inane quantities of sports radio, became dumber day by day. The new one does yoga in the den, reads whole books to our growing kids, listens to classical dawn to dusk, calling out key changes and speculating on the raw glory of hearing intelligence from more than 100 years ago played out in a beautiful orchestral cavern, the sort of joy you hope is coursing through your addled mind all hopped up and dying at a ripe old age with a couple generations gathered to tell you: "Continuity, friend. It wasn't all for nought."

My old husband let the house decay around us. New Tom proactively mows the lawn and spares the stray dandelions for a bouquet. Makes us breakfast above and beyond toaster waffles. So above, so beyond.

Being around the new Tom kind of rubs off. Before, the boys would've been at each others throats too about everything, two years apart but perpetually fighting for the same patch of ground. Now they share chores, find new efficiencies, plot together. Before I was a bad conversation from trying to figure out leaving, a meet cute away from a move as far as a credit card's worth of gas and passionate introductory conversations could drive my second husband and me to a new free life. Now I find myself wanting things to last. Now the daydream now bridges back to things we both wanted, when we first fell in with each other over dumb movies and too much weed.

Tom's parents have always been such dicks. "Jamie," they never said, "we love you like our own."Now there's something more polite and peaceful to our Zoom calls. Something akin to the fear of God in them, like ownership of the fact that the world they've left us doesn't have enough gas left in the tank to get where we want to go, like they're realizing that they want to live, to love if they can figure out how, to laugh besides their evil quiet laugh when no one's listening. Like they want to maybe not die alone. 

Tom starts watching the President on TV on purpose. He stays calm the whole time. "He's just a guy," my new husband says. "He's scared like any of us would be in his situation. He's having trouble facing the horror of this moment. He wants us to win, but can't figure out the playbook. He needs us to know it's going to be okay. He's trying." The new Tom writes Trump a reassuring letter and stares for too long, too thoughtful a time at his Democratic primary mail-in ballot. After he's finished choosing he won't let me see his choice as he seals the envelope -- but I can see a lot of writing on the form, more than you’d expect.

"Miracles are in each of us, hon" he says, thoughtfully weeding the sidewalk in front of our neighbor's yard.

I'm not nervous when Tom starts reading our small town's Facebook forum for parents, or even when he starts actively posting thoughtful bridging political commentary to try to find common cause between BLM people and people still squeamish about 2008's results. "Dialog's important," I tell myself. And true to form, whenever anyone gets out of hand in a thread, he acknowledges their humanity. In his presence, people get nicer. A few even seem to change their minds.

I'm not nervous when Tom's engagement grows. He starts reading other town forums, state and national ones. The kindness catches on. Tom can end the fiercest and vilest debates. He has closet white supremacists wrestling with their own sense of justice, has socialists interviewing police with a kind understanding of how there's racism buried in each of us, how the adrenaline of first responding can fuck with executive function, especially in a pandemic time when no one's got reserves, they just need structure, a narrower job description, and maybe, you know, an allowed default effective nonfatal option. 

Tom stops sleeping and starts logging long shifts on Facebook. One morning I notice that he has 115,000 friends to my 300. Weeks pass; 250,000 friends. A near constant stream of judicious, kind posts from Tom, a succession of miracles in the making.

There's just one problem. Tom's so kind that people get tired of it and stop believing it. Suddenly the one thing Biden and Trump supporters and people who were never going to be happy with either can agree on is that Tom's useless. Maybe he's a sophisticated bot or at best a troll.

Tom swears he'll fight on. But today I get back from a drive to clear my head and I find him crying, his monitor smashed in with something. His account deleted.  "It's all bullshit, hon," he says. He looks up. His eyes are a child's, scared and lost, in need of certainty that I'm sure I can muster from somewhere. 

an archer's perspective on the 2020 election

My parents weren't keen on me becoming an archer. More of a prior age's pursuit, they said. But when I was seven I made States. At 11 I won Worlds.  And they weren't laughing then. They were a little tired of driving me places, tbh.

Once I mastered their game I started playing my own. See how close I could get to the target without hitting it. When it was really close it dinged the outer edge. Otherwise it was just messed up honor system, me telling myself what I wanted to hear, and that grew tiresome.

With the bow string taut and poised, focus on failure.

You can play a similar game with a real live person. It's better at night when you know more likely they're going by feeling than by the incongruous sight of you in 13th century garb out of the back of your truck. Too close and you've committed a genuine crime. Too far and they don't notice. When the arrow's just off target, they know it and they'll tell you. There's always a tell. 

I live in a swing state -- Wisconsin -- but I don't much think it matters at this point. I know who I hate and who I want to like. 

What I'm mostly trying to decide is what I'm going to write in for my vote. It'd be classic to pick something totally puerile, "C. Virus." Or to pretend votes can be split to reflect being the last American undecided, 0.5 Trump 0.5 Biden. Or maybe I'll vote for myself -- the arrow leaving the bow, continuing a full rotation of the earth and getting me. Maybe, really, I'll pick the lighter poison, buy my kids a bit more time before the world tips to full fireball and the whole enterprise is fucked.

We watch the sunset

Everyone is out on their porches, their lawns. Up on their roofs. Parked in fields and by sides of roads. By water.  We are all here for the last one. We watch the sunset together, knowing it will never return.

As the light fades who are you going to think of? Someone who died long ago and couldn’t see this moment. Someone you thought would have longer to live after you’d gone. Someone right next to you, holding hands? Someone you used to know. Or just yourself and how it’s not fair for you. 

Everyone is crying. Everyone talks in somber tones. Some of us are angry. Some of us want to burn what’s left, create our own light to read by. 

Then in the foreground a multi-racial boy pops a Coca-Cola. The sound is a revelation. He turns his gaze to the heavens, frankly away from the sun and toward that can. There is chugging. After: the widest, most peaceful smile. All turn to gaze at this lucky boy. We are not jealous. Our hearts know peace.