Gain as Much as You Fucking Can

Foil to"The Biggest Loser." Sponsorship opportunities for Cinnabon, Playstation, whiskey, the music of Cheer Accident. Each time somebody busts out of a pair of pants they get 20 bucks, a subway token and a week's supply of Cinnabon. Each week the one who gained least gets kicked off and is made to chug a ceremonial Slim-Fast while the other Gainers sing "The End" and gently pelt her or him with mushed-up Cinnabon.

Viewer interest segments where Gainers name the emotions/back stories/failures that are actively being buried deep inside and how good it feels not to have to deal with that terrifying shit directly. Working at one's normal job is allowed as long as it's mindless and at a desk. Masturbation is allowed without limit. Cinnabon: allowed.

What's your secret?

"I got so much ice cream on my shirt I couldn't tell what color it really was"
"Wish I could stop shitting, that the design of the human body might be improved"
"Chocolate bars dipped in tubs of mayonnaise then chugged the mayonnaise"
"Cinnabon in sandwich of deep-fried cookie batter"
"Yoga to teach my body to stop shitting"
"Feel Mars want feel Jupiter"
"Tiny arms, tiny arms"
"Liquified Nutella IV drip"
"Munch, munch"

Days before setting both gain-per-week and total-gain record Gainer #25 dies. Per custom the other gainers descend to eat the remains.

Culinary Eulogies

"Redolent of Cinnabon"
"Redolent of partially-digested Nutella drip"
"Redolent of non-shitting"
"Redolent of... Diet Dr. Pepper?"

Each their rituals, each their mysteries. Love story of Gainer #3 and Gainer #57, their shared love of self-love in a Cinnabon haze. How Jesus and in particular the Last Supper inspires Gainer #18 (who sees each meal as her last supper), how the presidency of Taft inspires Gainer #50 (who sees each year as his lame duck year). Whimsical accordion fanfare. Sprinting 18-member jug band enters and exits. Now amid a circus of color and light and cheese doodles a whisper-thin man with a washtub bass strides on to belt out:

The Gain as Much as You Fucking Can Theme Song

This land is your land, this land is my land
To gain as much as, you fucking ca-an
Oh Cinnabon is, your only friend
Gain as much as you fucking can

When I went walking, through the food court
I almost died on the cold mall floor
Thanks be to Cinnabon, my heart kept beating
Gain as much as you fucking can

This land is your land, this land is my land
From Ponderosa, to that amazing crab place on Shelter Island
Oh Cinnabon is, your only friend
Gain as much as you fucking can

(etc)

Season II Finale

Enterprising Gainers #15 and #17 create a compound of Nutella and Cinnabon in liquid form that they vow to guzzle and receive via IV drip. If they survive one will win it all. Work shots: getting it done. Rapid meal preparation and unwrapping of ready-to-eats, munching. Vigorous self love of Gainers #11, #17, #22, #24, #28. Back story of Gainer #11: Parental abuse, inanity of spouse, children, job, one remaining friend. Tug of war between Gainers #15 and #17 over last carton of Cinnabon. Inspiring dark horse victory by Gainer #11 who clubs both Gainer #15 and #17 and spends the last quarter of the episode feasting on their remains. "Redolent of victory."