fucked house/as certain as precognition

theresa there are days when i remember our time together with joy and sorrow and full fucked teary-eyed emotion for what quantity of love and dedication was transmitted and there are those days where i remember it as a fucked house that someone should have burned down that sheer pyrotechnic chance or some imagined benevolent god should have burned to the ground that maybe i should have burned to the ground when i get into that mindframe i don't know what's wrong with me i think of that house and what we put each other through there and i think that if only we had burned the cursed thing to the ground we could have had a clean start and instead it came to this you there me here and never the twain shall meet thank god there weren't any kids, that there never were kids.

theresa i finally sold the house maybe you heard and spent most of what i made from that on expensive wasted shit to distract and forget everything i could it makes sense though these things make sense how you've gone to some opposite unknown side of the country and changed your number i think a couple times on top of that and on how times at night i sit out on the balcony here which faces out to apartments in the opposite unit and smoke and watch for lights going on and off i could pass the night until late watching the lights in other people's apartments watching other families kids playing or crying at night not wanting to go to bed couples families sitting down to dinner seemingly happy and all the people alone of course getting older by the minute standing out on their balconies watching me each other everybody either drinking or smoking or both that and exactly one guy on the far end of the opposite unit who seemingly only reads books but maybe he gets fucked up in advance or on something you don't do on your balcony and then reads i could ask him but i don't reach out that much these days i'm happier to watch other people in their lives at whatever level of peace they've managed to reach at whatever point they find themselves somewhere back there i figured i could generally only make things worse for other people that was something you helped me to see theresa you were right.

you were and i bet are right theresa but alongside that you might be happy to know these days that i'm really the nicest guy in transient situations you know like i'm the dipshit making best friends with the cashier at a rest stop or a gas attendant on some drive i never do or somebody i'm trying to get to fuck me once or rarely for the second time at a bar or like being secret santa at the bullshit office i'm the schmuck buying the gaming system for the broke-assed kids and selecting color coordinated flowers for their deeply isolated mother i'll be as thoughtful as i can with no accountability with no fear that that kindness won't be returned or that i'll be expected to sustain it myself or that for a couple years we'll both find a way to sustain a good quantity of it only to wake up one morning with the well gone dry and then theresa this is the part i'm sure you remember how we'll fake it for years as best we can until one day we can't fake it any more and then we'll rip at each other like those fish you aren't supposed to put in the same tank it wasn't how i saw it at the time and i know i tried to get you to stay but in retrospect it was right that it worked out this way it was right it isn't that you need me to tell you that but i thought you might want to know i finally know.

theresa like i said we were fucked pretty early on and in the end those things i said and did could only be described as injurious to your well being to be ceased and desisted but there's a way i choose to remember you the first time you spent the night and next to you i knew as certain as precognition we'd grow old together and wear worn soft holding grooves into each other the way water wears rock until the two resemble each other in the right light of day as goddamned cheesy as that sounds i mean it there was i feeling i had about you like i had seen through your eyes and to your spirit that i was seeing you or your true essence outside the flow of normal time and in that sense court orders aside theresa we're still together in that sense if none other that at exactly one singular moment of my life i saw into you without seeing through i saw into you and only saw your soul's recognition of mine only saw us both aware that life was infinite that we were infinite that we were spirits unbound by gravity or dull convention awash in radiant love that moment having you all to me both in that infinite way and in the moment itself that place where time and time in composite overlapped (so that time in its total was turned inside out and compressed into that moment and so that moment was in turn stretched into the full stretch of time) i'm not going to lie there are times that with those few women who get within a mile i try to remember it being you for a bit that works but usually my conscience or the general failure of my capacity to imagine gets in the way and if i'm not careful i lose the moment me typically being drunk at that point it's a fine balance and i've never been great at those theresa i've obviously never been great at those.