how voodoo works

All of my teams are born losers. The Eagles always tank. I gave up the Phillies for the Mets in '01 when I met L, who has an 86 and a particularly coked-up looking Doc Gooden tattooed on her right bicep. Things started looking up. But now all of a sudden the Mets are Charlie Brown trying to kick a field goal, and the Phils are wizards, world champions.

I suspect that my grandfather--my mom's dad--can control the outcome of sporting events with his mind. He's a knowledgable man, and could he string together a focused sequence of games I believe he might guide the Eagles to the Super Bowl.

There are two problems with this flight to victory. First, for late games like last night's, he goes to sleep by the 4th quarter, and some night-owl Chicago area grandfather was probably able to sneak in his own psychic tomfoolery to tighten up the Bears' goal line defense. Second, football games always seem to bring out the man's nostalgia, prompting him to pour a glass of something strong. Andy Reid and Jim Johnson have complicated playbooks, and if grandpa's vision is blurred, he might dial up a blitz where something a bit more conservative would be appropriate.

What I'm saying is that when the Eagles lose, it doesn't bust up my theory. You have to look for other factors. McNabb's inconsistent brilliance is one thing I would watch very closely, if I were you. Cross-tabulate with my grandfather's mindset at any moment.

Another reason the Mets can't win is that my dad's parents met at Connie Mack stadium. It is possible that the jinx hanging over the depressins these past two years has actually been the handiwork of Ed and Lorraine, formerly of Marlton, NJ, now of the sweet hereafter. They're probably haunting the shit out of those sad sack Mets. My mom's dad is a Phils fan too.

To put my ability to jinx my teams to good use, I've taken the amateurish next step of falling in love wiith the McCain-Palin ticket. As my team, they will surely lose...

...but everyone knows that isn't how voodoo works. It'll cross you just for trying to fuck with it so obviously, reverse your jinx. I'll have to get grandpa to show me how it's done.