I'm wired to take some things a little too seriously. As a matter of life & death. With professional and church basement-type help I'm come to understand it more... that part of why I'm oriented that way is early environment stuff.
I don't think there was ever a real chance there would've been life or death violence in my house growing up. But I didn't know it then, and I've found myself quick to see that binary concern in more situations than I should.
I also carry an overly grand sense of responsibility. As a kid I felt responsible for things I coudln't control. I hold the same sense today in situations where I shouldn't. I can't keep the ice caps from melting (though I can pay attention, argue, donate, use less resources, etc.). I can't prevent the weather from getting more strange and severe, But I can keep a better stocked basement.
That understanding of the things I'm not responsible for could also be a crutch that makes me ignore the things I am responsible for. If I take that equation too far in the other direction. Staying as healthy as I can for my wife and my kids. Making sure I protect them, in a way a partner and a parent is supposed to. In the way someone who owns plants and pets is supposed to.
I'm afraid of death, which isn't helpful. Because it'll matter and then it won't. It probably won't be a fiery crash. It'll probably be more mundane.
I'm also drawn to deatth. Not consciously, but in some of my choices over time. I think in my less checked moments I've been drawn to it as the ultimate grand escape. In the down slope of depression and isolation, which sometimes I check and ground myself against better than others.
I had an experience recently (and too recently to write about it with clarity) where I was present as someone navigated something closer to almost dying, out of nowhere. Or so it seemed in the moment. At that exact point I knew what I could and couldn't help. The main thing I could do was comfort the person as professionals got to the scene.
I'll put the obvious out there for reader comfort: seeking out death on purpose would be the opposite of comfort for the people I love. To make myself less comfortable, seeking out death subconsciously starts to tilt the scales that way too. So, yes, self care. And focus -- to find the ways I kind contribute. To honor and pursue the ways I should, and let that ripple out. More granular a scale. Do the next right thing.
